Compassion

A question was asked of me and here is how I responded:

As a stepdad, what's your view on your role and responsibilities with respect to your step-kids? How does this relate to the roles and responsibilities their mother and father have?

This question is a great one because it touches on boundaries and areas of step parenting that are just not spoken about. My role is clearly defined in that I have to be a reserve player on my wife's bench. By that I mean I do not start out making the family agenda and for some men this is not an easy role to be relegated to. Their male bravado wants to speak out and take at least a modicum of control. In the beginning it seems we are just there in the background and not expected to say to much. The kids are courteous at first not wanting to ruffle feathers if they are well behaved and that has been my experience, so I cannot answer when the family dynamic might be more of a acrimonious one.

My responsibility is to act responsible. What that means is that when I have an opinion I talk about it with my wife first. No matter how strongly I feel. And when I discuss a situation or a topic with her I filter out my emotions and appeal to her sense of reason and I do not rely or abuse the love she has for me. Because that tactic places her in the middle always a no win scenario. She wants to make me happy and at the same time her love for her children is unconditional and unbreakable. There might be quite an interval before she puts your happiness on a par with her offspring.

I cannot be responsible for what I think the biological parents roles should be. I can only hope that I do not exacerbate their tenuous position of having their children in my care. I have to respect that there is a degree of trust by default for the father not being present on a day to day basis. I without instruction have a duty to care for children that are not my own so I have to hold myself to a higher standard that has to be beyond reproach and avoid negative scrutiny at all costs. I need not add to the broken family's wounds by trying to enhance my position at the expense of any of my blended family.

My responsibility is not to view my role as a saviour because that is a thankless role and only invites disappointment because there is no way that I can live up to what that role entails because being human I will fail and a saviour winds up on the cross eventually.