I was born under a wandering star. I am constantly on the move it seems and right now I am on my way yet again. Although I can’t seem to find a permanent address, I am blessed to have those that will take me in to theirs when I have dislodged myself from my own. That attractability factor I possess that blesses and curses me. That has me beating my chest one moment and feeling sorry for myself the next. I have not given much thought to how those that come into my periphery feel when they are caught in my web and how they feel betrayed when they have reached their expiration date. By the way I don’t always affix that label of expiration, sometimes they curdle their own milk when they leave themselves out on the counter of complacency.
Sound arrogant? Not really especially if you have never met me. The rub is that I have this unconscious competence when I need to be more conscious of what it is I am exactly doing. My future ex- wife told me that I had the therapist we both had met with wrapped around my finger. When I asked her incredulously: How can I influence a therapist with a Ph.D. in psychology? Her silent response gave me pause for thought. My former General Agent in essence told me the same thing that I manipulate people with the adroitness of a skilled surgeon. He also added that I know exactly what I am doing and when I am doing it. Enlighten me because I need to harness this ability so that I don’t hurt anyone again including myself.
So what about this Wandering Star? I think that my shark like swim makes it virtually impossible for me to settle down in any traditional sense no matter how strong the pull or how much I feel compelled to stay in one place. The only thing that has been a constant in my life is my sobriety, although some might argue that my behavior resembles a drunken sailor at times. For those that I have hurt I say now that I never did it with intended purpose and for those that need some solace I have hurt myself even more egregiously as my legacy just lost an inscription on my tombstone. He was a good step dad. Well as a footnote I was for a time anyway when I was giving those that didn’t have a family a "home base" as my middle step used to call my space.
To be on the move doesn't always require a change in address. I consider myself a person on the move but have lived in the same place my entire life. A change in interest moves you in a different direction. A change in philosophy, in music , in dancing to a different tempo all of these represent alternative movement.
ReplyDeleteFriendships also change for a myriad of reasons. Sometimes either they or we reach what you call the "expiration date" the reasons are as numerous as the friends we have.
The "Wandering Star" or moving shark is a symptom of personal and /or personality preferences. Change in any way can represent a "fix" to the change addict.
That is only my humble opinion .
Jack,
ReplyDeleteI know things are shit right now in our lives. I wish this never happened. I wish it was all a bad dream, and I was waiting to awake. The reality is, its not a dream. Maybe it was never meant to be, but we tried. You gave it your best, and we gave it ours. I have told you before, and I will tell you again and again. I will never forget what you have done for me, my mother, and my family. You are not leaving my mind with horrible memories, in fact your not leaving my mind at all. I will always remember you, and the insight you gave to me as well as care.
Its hard to know whats real with you these days, but I hope that the love we shared as a family was real, and that memory will always stay with me. I come from a broken family, maybe thats what is meant for me, as you were meant to be a "wandering star".
Keep this, delete this, do what you will. But your not a bad person in my mind, you just were not meant to be what you tried to be. But your my friend, which in my mind is better then a step father. I have already had one father that failed, I don't need another one. I just wish we can all be peaceful wandering stars. This is one life, I don't want to waste it with hate, blame, depression. It is just a waste. I wish us all to be happy, whether we are together or not. We are just people, specs in an infinite universe. Lets just be awake, and move the way water does, as cheesy as that sounds or if that makes sense at all.
Well son I guess it was doomed from the start and of course I will not forget anything and I will not consider it a waste of time because I did a lot of good a lot of good. I just have my own demons but those are issues that I have never resolved from my childhood. Perhaps it was the death of my sister in 1969 I don't know I have a psychology degree but I am not a psychologist. (yet) My problem was that your mom in my mind needed saving and since I was a people pleaser it seemed like a great fit. And make no mistake she is a wonderful woman, mother, wife (for the right man). I will always love her deeply and no one can tell me different even she.
ReplyDeleteThe pressure of finance, my own ego and the attention I am getting now from my writing has sated my "wandering star" I unfortunately will not have a legacy like your mom and see your children or your sisters children but they will be always in my heart. I know what I am culpable for but I am still Jack or John inside. I for the first time in my life don't know what I want actually because no one has ever asked me including myself. Now I need to do that. Whatever is next however there will be no obfuscation I am who I am warts and all.
It's not cheesy that metaphor and remember that for you and your wife I did my best and for a time I did the best I could for your sisters. (They didn't have to unfriend me on FB lol) Mea culpa my son and you will always be what you were to me a challenge at times (waking you up for school) and a joy when you graduated college and when you married that beautiful woman next to you. I need this forum because for me it is a catharsis and I have no family here.