Love on My Two Feet

Is it love that brings me to my feet?  The cliché of love bringing us to our knees smacks of an unhealthy codependency and the loss of self. Don’t get me wrong I long for a love filled with codependence in pull me up energy because we all need a lift at times and if the ardor of love rings with true reciprocity she pulls me up when my flag lilts.

 The delight of love is tenuous especially when the communiqués become sideways glances and dilated pupils.  And the lexicon of: “You should know,” make the ties that bind loose shoe strings that leave us frustrated and resentment bound.  Time well spent is intentions clear and the result that some of those wishes granted instead of a growing silent scorn as our needs not having been met.  

Meeting love on my two feet gives me the balance to craft my amorous breath in a sustainable bliss even though swept off my feet is the romantic notion dreams are made of like the white knight for her and twinkle of violet in a brown eyed girl.  I can still enjoy the thrill of love while standing up and wide awake because love in dreamscape inevitably has the white cloud turn black under the weight of life on life’s terms. 

Acceptance

Acceptance is not agreement. When we accept we are letting go of resistance. Resistance merely exists in its own energy we do not fuel what might be discerned as negative with more energy than it possesses.  In this way it lives, dies and then dissolves. We are the casual observers. We keep our distance, which lengthens our emotional response, from whatever it is we are about to accept. 

The Greenhouse Effect

Today I was marveled. I spent several hours inside a 30 acre green house or should I say a series of greenhouses all connected in a mosaic that had to be witnessed to be believed. And the technology was dumbfounding because a greenhouse to me was a hut that felt humid inside I never had a clue that greenhouses have evolved so greatly with not only artificial means of temperature but also its own watering system, artificial lighting for accelerating plant growth and a complex network of trays that made movement of the literally tons of plant material two football lengths with remarkable ease and efficiency.  Not to mention the saved visits to the chiropractor and man-hours saved lifting and transporting from one end of the greenhouse to the other.   

   This firm located on the North Fork of Long Island is one of the largest in the country and what so impressed me was the main architect of the this amazing structure. Here was a young man by any standard who was not only tall in stature but also long on humility and an expertise that he just took for granted. He was so matter of fact about it all and what so impressed me about this man was his sense of values that seemed like he belonged back in a time forgotten.   

Dressing Up

Do I sound like a stuffed shirt? Maybe but I always thought that there comes a time when we need to wear our best regalia sometimes even if the formality of the occasion doesn’t necessarily call for it. Why you ask? Why should I wear a dress or a suit when jeans would be more comfortable? I think it’s because what we look like on the outside manifests much about how we feel on the inside.  Poppycock you say?  I don’t think so. There are of course times when relaxed or casual attire is appropriate but this is not the case all the time. 

The New Generation

We are living in a miraculous age of information that never ceases to amaze me. When I watched a 1984 movie called Starman one of the lines in the movie referred to us technologically as “The Ancients” and considering where we are now some 27 years later this phrase was prophetic. Now I am not writing about how far we’ve come but rather how dependent and lazy we’ve become in the 21st Century. The Internet largely responsible for educating us like never before in history does come with some serious drawbacks.  Because we have this treasure trove of information at our immediate disposal there is a false sense of sophistication we feel because the answer to virtually anything is right there. What we have failed to do however   is to take note of things that have gone before simply because it has no relevance right here right now.  And the English language has been reduced to catchphrases built on informality and formulaic answers that fit elementarily into a 1-2-3 format.   

When it comes to knowing what happened prior to 1984 most of the X.Y and Z generations are so historically illiterate and language challenged that it is pitiful.  If they didn’t see it, it didn’t happen. And the Breakfast Club is an old movie. Maybe it’s not their fault after all beside technology their parents have done an abhorrent stewardship in educating their offspring. Of course they are educating their children scholastically but in terms of the basic acumen like addition and subtraction, saying your welcome instead of “no problem”, or “hey” instead of hello, or at the end of every explanation the lame: “it is what it is”, and the condescending: “obviously” and my favorite: “whatever” have reduced us to such an informal verbal lifestyle that virtually no one can function without a bastardization of the English language and common courtesy.  

Besides communicating imbecilic with words that leave me wondering quizzically there is the rampant lack of what went before they were old enough to click their mouse. I recently asked an acquaintance that worked for AT&T what the initials stood for. He didn’t know and he was running the franchise. Personally when I tell someone telephonically or in person that my name is McQueen as in Steve but John, they invariably look at me deadpan or say John McClain? (From the movie series Die Hard) What does it matter? I guess maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill but when someone thinks that The Dark Knight is the best picture of all time I know that they must have been born yesterday.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Lunch

How about that as a new title to your segment that you call “Power Lunch”.  Let's face facts there is no power in your lunchtime reporting.  Or how about atrophy lunch? You couldn't lift a 10 lb. dumbbell.   Point is that when are you going to stop reporting nonsense.  There is no interest in most of your stories on any of your segments.  You are worse than ESPN filling us with stats that mean NOTHING.  Here is one you reported this past Friday.  The Dow on it's way to the 5th out of 6th week gain.  Is that really news?  Especially during the day?  When are you going to get new writers?  How about giving us reporters that have the gift to give us real news not useless information and drivel.  The stock market collapsed and you are still doing business as usual.  No change in your programming and you continue to have people like Suze Orman do a show about personal finance.  She couldn't advise a groundhog whether to ignore his shadow or not! Kramer there is another nut job. The world according to Kramer??  I would listen to what Garp has to say first than what that idiot reports.

You are not guilty on all counts there are times when you do report news that is heartfelt and newsworthy but come on people wake up, the world has changed and you keep reporting things like "the market is acting spooky today" AYKM! Spooky????  I see that that goof ball with the glasses is gone from your show, you know the guy that told those life insurance agents before we hit bottom that the only reason they were talking about life insurance was because the market was down.  How about if you did a story about market value versus book value?  Don't you think that might be a useful story?  People need to have both in their lives. Money they can count on when their market values are in the dumper.  I see your program at the gym and the biggest laugh I get is when you have up to 8 talking heads and no one is saying anything!

Yoga For Anxiety

My ex-wife as I might have told you is a Yogi. But leave all notions of what you might think that is at the front door. Jane Engels McQueen is one helluva teacher in this her second vocation, Yoga.  She has thousands; yes thousands of hours teaching Yoga and with a particular specialty for those with structural limitations of the back, neck and knees and makes what might seem impossible, possible.  She has a private practice in her home in Malverne where she also teaches at a facility called the Yoga Polarity Center. You can find their website here: http://www.yogapolarity.com/

Of course I dressed inappropriately because I didn’t take the time to read Jane’s memo about the event. I just assumed that it would be a seminar that I would be a taking notes on. I must have had my head up my butt in a pose that has yet to be described. In any case it was one part lecture and four parts actively participating. Jane has a way of speaking what we are thinking but don’t’ often verbalize and standing on ceremony is not in any way in her methodology. 

So what did I learn? One thing was for sure I recognized that I breathe so shallowly that it is a wonder that with all the cardio workouts I do I am not more out of breath than I am. I have experienced breathing exercises before but never took them seriously enough to actually put them into practice. After this class I have started and the rippling effects are starting to take hold right away.  I have noticed that as an avid spinner wherein I am breathless most of the ride I am starting to actually catch my breath and that in turn has made my anaerobic portions of the ride that much more powerful. I hope that makes sense and it might stand to reason that if I am taking in more oxygen via nose breathing rather than mouth breathing that a more oxygenated blood supply allows me a more powerful cardio workout.  

Yoga was always a mystery to me and now after Jane’s seminar it is starting to become de-mystified. Which is saying a lot because I felt like some of the poses were virtually impossible for me because twisting myself into a pretzel was I thought reserved for people in the circus not me. Now that Jane has given me a more relaxed version of what Yoga can mean to me I am starting to feel comfortable as to some of the huge benefits it can afford me.  

I will be on the lookout for more from this Yogi and please give a look at her center’s website you might find something for you. 

Line In the Sand

How can life be so certain and you still have no idea where you are going? And then with a twist of fate your life becomes so uncertain yet you definitely know where you are going. An interesting enigma to be sure and although the certainty of life is an illusion the direction we set our minds to is just like drawing a line in the sand.  

Indian Summer

Summer has been reprised and my thoughts turn to the beach even at this late date.  The summer went by too quickly for my taste and as my deepest tan since 1968 begins to fade I long for the warmth of the sun once more.  We have a dose of Indian summer this weekend and even though we are compelled to dress as if it was fall we for at least a day or two can don our short sleeved shirts and even our cutoffs once more and take a last dip in the rays of the sun because before long winter time will be nigh. 

Stuck on 2:30

Wouldn’t it be nice to have time stand still? Especially when we are enjoying the moment of serenity or that pink cloud that seems to fly past in the blink of an eye.  I watched such a clock this week and found it fascinating allegory to witness time passing and yet standing still. The second hand swept in its usual arc around the dial while the minute hand stood stock still freezing the time that read 2:30. A great time too 2:30 it always gives you time to finish what’s needed to be done before the bewitching 5 o’clock chime brings a halt to the business day in most circles. 

If time could stand still what would we do in the 25th hour?  Would we scurry about finishing errands that we have put off?  Would we sleep an extra hour or just luxuriate in bed with our loved one?  Would we take that time to visit the gym we have been promising ourselves since time immemorial?  How about reading, writing or maybe meditating? I would like to think that I would try listening to my heart and explaining the translation to my brain the words and emotions that I have conveniently held in abeyance for some moment in time that never seems to queue itself.  So often my grey cells get the better of good judgment and keep me asleep to a quickening pulse that is alerting me to the tasks at hand.  

What would we really do if time stood still?  Would we let the tasks that normally transpire in the 24 allotted to just take more time to do and use up the hour as if it became part of the landscape and missed the opportunities it would present us with? We can ponder this fantasy ad infinitum because of course it will never be but it might give us pause for thought of compressing some of our other blank spaces into times filled with experiences that bring us to our knees and give thanks for the other 23.  

Stuck on 2:30.  A great time for reflection about a time well spent.  

  

Variety is the Spice of Life

In the beginning there always seems to be the hope and the feeling that because someone is loved our own feelings of love will find a way to link our heart to their heart.  A compelling sexual attraction is the common thread that makes us believe in our love even though a wearing away of that dynamic can wash away the emotion of love with it. 

What is it then that keeps us in love with all the key elements: passionate sex, touch, healthy codependence, trust, our own personal freedom, loyalty, confidence, comfort, excitement, and visceral reactions that make us sigh? It takes just as many attributes to keep what we first are blessed with and still maintain the intimacy we all long for.  Some elements that might be important are never to be condescending, never withholding sex, never using words as a weapon, never expect that the other should know what we are thinking, and never do alone what being done together would bring us closer to one another. 

Having common interests although important are simply not enough to keep that blue flame from being extinguished. Nonetheless if we don’t do things together we become isolated and lethargic and the things that we found exciting become work and eventually what made us click turns out the love light and the silent but deadly storm has us seeking comfort in the arms of another. 

The archetype of marriage assumes too many unstated rules that are never clearly communicated and wind up on the cutting room floor when one partner decides to edit part of the script without consulting the other. Monogamy is the most assumed of these unspoken Cardinal Rules and when it is breached the other is ostracized and labeled depraved or a slug that needs to be squashed. Monogamy is thought of always as devotion but too often it is a way to possess another in ways that if averages don’t lie just don’t work for many. Yes it can work for some but it is becoming more and more rare that we humans can have sex with just one person. Whether that is sad or not seems not to matter because it is often true. Ducks do it but just about every other species uses sex for a host of reasons that don’t necessarily include love and devotion.

An open marriage works for some but even here the calculated risk of performing acts of biological intimacy with others requires explicit rules that must be agreed to in advance because deviance from those specifics must not be changed ad hoc lest jealousy, insecurity and fear consume the relationship emotionally.   

Is the key to maintaining longevity in love having the ability to bring in someone else into the boudoir? I asked one strange woman what did she attribute to her long success with her husband? She said: Lots of sex!  Is it that simple? It just might be because when you do it often enough it might be the practice that keeps us paying attention to our partner in ways that can make familiarity something that keeps us from being unfaithful.  Variety is the spice of life as the old cliché goes and now it might be the prime ingredient that cuts down on the divorce rate.     

The Text Message Part II

Now it is important to propose the antithetical point of view of the text message and there are at least two camps.  The first being the establishment which has now dubbed the new acronym: DWT or driving while texting. Police in some states can hand out fines of $150.00 and this new fine has served to be a great source of revenue for state coffers.  Of course this is not mentioning the severe danger that DWT presents. Even at a light when you think you have time it is not safe and if caught you will receive the same fine. It is a compulsion that we must resist and yours truly is a major offender. The statistics in my age category find that only 2% of guys like me text while driving. And insurance companies will look at your text time stamps and compare it to when an accident occurs. 

The second opposing view is that the text message can lead to disjointed confabs, misunderstanding of what is said and more importantly how it is interpreted. We can easily add emotions to words that the texter never intended and arguments and hurt feelings can ensue.  These are but two and I am sure there are more opposing views to the text message but you get the idea. Part III is up next and you might be surprised what I have uncovered here.    

The Text Message Part I

Never in the history of the Internet Age has one form of communication had the same affect on us all as the Text Message. Instant messaging and of course email were the precursors to this 21st Century phenomena that carries more than just words for our eyes to scan and our hearts and minds to flutter over.  

The spoken word is still the most expedient mode of expressing what our mind purports to pretend what we are thinking when we open our mouth and watch words disappear like the condensation of our breath on a cold wintry morning.  But words leave our consciousness as quickly as they are uttered unless we hear words of love or on a bad day admonitions from those that lay claim to have power over us. But the text message is the true wonder of the age. 

Not only do ‘texts’ stay with us longer than the spoken word but it also lays claim to a weight that brings meaning to words as they were originally intended. We look at the typed phrases and a sentence across our 4G phones and our mind slows to a snails pace as we now read instead of merely listen. Listening is one skill we humans fail miserably at but when we read to ourselves the internal dialogue we speak resonates with our third chakra like words from another never could. In essence we pay stricter attention to what we are saying to ourselves even though we are not saying it. 

The Archetype of Marriage

One of the great things about being sober is having the privilege to restore relationships that were broken beyond repair.  Such was the case today as I visited my ex-wife to chat with her about her finances. Our relationship did not last as man and wife but maybe we have something that can outlive most matrimonial bonds. We have a mutual respect and regard for each other and that sometimes can get lost in archetype of marriage. We get possessive and start to rely on traditional unspoken agreements that often can pull us apart, like sexual exclusivity or a man being the provider or that the woman will bear children.  

Marriage is not for everyone and although we are brought up for the most part believing that it is a lot of people that shouldn’t be married do and that is one reason why there are so many blended families in this and other countries. I know that for me I always had a reason why I got married and at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. However, what can seem like the right thing at one point can disintegrate over time and space. And personally I think that I became unconscious to what my wives needed and more importantly what I needed. I am not here to debate those reasons but only to say that adapting to a spouses style and expectations can often find the other has lost their individuality only to rediscover it later into a field of disillusionment and a feeling of being trapped. 

Love in Atrophy

Love often presents itself with many conundrums one being that it needs to be exercised with consistency else the muscle of cupid’s gift gets atrophied.  We fall in love and maybe we sign a document that brings testament to the music our heartstrings play. But too often we let that bow dry out and don’t keep enough tension on those strings to ensure the notes play in the right pitch and make the music our union first intended. 

The Language of Love

Does not always speak in English.  Sometimes it takes on the eloquence of intuition but more likely love manifests itself in the solar plexus. Most might think it resides in the heart but the solar plexus gives me the most visceral of all feelings.  When you love someone it starts in the throat and radiates downward.  The heart is the mythical residence of love because it sells Valentine’s Day cards.

  We don’t always feel love for the one we love but that doesn’t mean that we don’t love them.  Once in awhile the feeling of love takes in hibernation as a retreat from itself because love can be  like a sharp knife it can cut and cut deep.  When love makes us bleed the one way the the wound  is healed is by  hiding beneath the rock of temporary numbness. 

The language of Love is still spoken in English when we say I love you but we all know that even when it’s unspoken it’s still the most powerful force on earth. 

The Coxswain

A friend suggested that because I was brought up having 4 sisters and no brothers as the reason being why women more than men can identify with me.  There has always been that nurturing side of me that is stereotypically innate in the female of the species and because my formative years were spent in the company of female siblings exclusively I learned to empathize more skillfully than most males that grew up in a more balanced gender setting. This is not without its problems however as I have discovered more of late. Women are much more skilled at multi-tasking and I although am blessed with creative talent, I do not have that complex adroitness that distaffed humans carry like second nature. I am constantly forgetting everything from where my phone, wallet and keys are. Or I leave the house without articles of clothing to change into after exercise and without a conscious plan I tend to drive ad hoc and that has its advantage of spontaneity however it does not carry the fundamental need for practicality. 

This connection to my anima leaves me adrift because often I feel I am in a boat with no oars and without a coxswain to pilot my course. As a man I need to make decisions to let go of people and situations that deprive me of any peace of mind and keep me locked into people pleasing. When I have to make decisions about what to do logically they usually are much easier for me to make than those that face me when flesh and blood are involved.   Running in place never works for me as in most males we need to see and feel we are making progress even if it is sometimes in circles.  

The Eye of the Storm and the Damage Done

Wind is only second to the power of water and yesterday we had both.  Preparedness was the watchword for this storm and according to the early returns the media as cynics might say duped us once again. If the storm maintained its intensity we would have had more damage than anyone of us could have anticipated but outside of scattered outages we did all right. The Internet is out and I think that causes more consternation and upsetment than any other inconvenience outside of electrical power. Even cell phones are working and land lines too unless you have them plugged into an electric socket. 

I suppose events like this bring people together as most acts of Mother Nature do and it’s something we can talk about into Monday and maybe stretch into later in the week for water cooler confabs and it will probably will be a great source of human-interest stories for the television stations. They for some reason love to interview the person on the street for reactions that they seem to have little interest in outside of the questions they pose and these snippets have little to do with news as our next shower does but I guess they think it comforts us to know that someone else is being affected just like them.  I for one find them annoying and useless sound bytes that serve no real purpose other than to take up airtime because the factual parts of any story just can’t fill the whole time void in the hour allotted.  

So what can we do without power? The high priestess of false security is the one convenience technology has not been able to improve on or even replace and outside of battery power, flashlights and candle power we have the choice of filling our bodies with empty calories or how about we pick up one of the books we bought but never started or maybe we have a serious conversation with a member of our family or significant other that resembles an essay rather than short sentences that never seem to capture what is really going on in our lives. Or more likely most of us will sit in anxious anticipation waiting for the invisible phenomena to be restored.  

Scarsdale Sidebar

I am listening to three women in a spirited free flowing confab that if not for my lack of interest in the dynamically changing subject matter, I would try to tap in to the energy that the trio possesses in varying degrees.  A fourth joins the fray and the leader who seems to be spearheading the direction of the vocal diatribes asks our new arrival what’s wrong. In stereotypical feminine fashion she responds: Nothing. Do we all do that? Answer in the defensive posture no matter what might be plaguing our psyches? 

The fourth member seems to have settled in and starts to contribute to the modern verbal flow. The most vociferous of these distaff musketeers starts to add in the F word and a mild sense of shock flows through the other three. Had it not been for my presence on the periphery all would have been nonplussed by the oft-used adjective?  

I have been discovered and it’s by the daughter of one of the foursome as one asks me what vociferous means. I tell her the meaning and I guess a sense of relief falls as the offspring might have thought I uttered something derogatory about her mother. Once informed a chorus of agreement blankets the space.  The din escalates as the estrogen field increases to 9.  A middle aged man watches in subdued amazement as the spirited conversations continue.  

Small Change

Change is inevitable. When it comes we can choose to accept it or we can complain, lament and resist. Or we can embrace it and take what is and make it a superlative instead of a question mark.  

Most would say that change is difficult and upsets our normal rhythms. I think of it as just the opposite. Change takes us out of complacency where we usually find ourselves, as routine becomes an old habit.  Someone told me that change is good and although I believed it in my head my heart couldn’t wrap itself around that concept. As age has moved upon me and the blanket of wisdom is forced upon me, I understand now that change is one of the greatest gifts the universe invites us to unwrap. The rhythm of change is like the next hit song on our own Billboard top ten and we can choose to dance to the new music or sit out like a wallflower.  

The Number 9

The number 9 is the most over used number that advertisers employ in they’re pricing and they just fail to get it that we are just not that stupid any more. Think of it you see it everywhere in virtually every commercial on television or in the market place the number 9 is sure to be found. And usually accompanied by another 9, like the lease payment is only $199 per month. Of course when you add in that you have to come up with 3,000 in up front costs you can qualify for  this big bargain. And usually if you look at the small print about well-qualified buyers that price doesn’t apply.  I usually add about 40-50% to any lease price as what the real world cost is.   Why does any company think that by offering any product with a 99 attached to it that the consumer thinks they are getting a bargain?

Why not tell us the real price instead and build some credibility with their customers? No they would rather give us the make believe price and have us do the real math and add all the extra charges like taxes and shipping and handling. (S&H) Take for instance one of the most hated companies, Cablevision who advertise their Optimum Triple Play for 99.95. It’s a bold faced lie. Add in the taxes and it’s 139.00 if it’s a penny. See they have me doing it too. Even that nut Bob’s Furniture store has that 99 on every piece of his schlock furniture. 

And the piece de resistance is the oil companies offering gas prices at 3.99 per gallon. But they took it a step further and they add 9 mills to the price. So 3.99 and 9 tenths of a penny. This practice originated back to the early 1930’s and the great depression and the fact that it lingers is pure lunacy.  Why hasn’t some government agency changed this archaic practice?  Think of all the things that have changed in the last 100 years and 9/10ths of a penny remains.   Some studies say that consumers think that they are getting a bargain and that they are paying a penny less, but gas stations round up to the nearest penny so it’s fools gold. 

The number 9 only sounded good when the Beatles played it in Revolution Number 9, otherwise I think 9 should be banished from the advertisers pen. Just a note I was in a store recently and the food served had all of its prices in even numbers with the tax already figured in. Take the hint Madison Avenue and stop lying give us the real price

Bitter Almonds

The smell of bitter almonds might portend the flavor of a speedy death.  Cyanide is present in bitter almonds and quite a few other morsels we ingest and it’s many a murder mystery that the detective discovers the scent of over a corpse.  

My life has had that scent waft  stimulate my olfactory nerves. Some I have paid attention to some I have ignored still others I saw as the incentive to move forward against my better judgment and my intuition. Now I listen to the angels that my Higher Power sends each morning I awake because there is no scent only the invisible hand that caresses my shoulder and gives me the direction on my compass. The sense of smell is a powerful aphrodisiac but the hand of God trumps the scent of bitter almonds every time.  

Make that Call

The difference between talking about making that call and making the call lies in the face that  we are stuck in the past and not in the present moment. Resistance is a powerful inhibitor because we would rather stay uncomfortable and in fear than take on the present moment.  Make that call you'll be glad you did!

A Hard Days Night

It was one of my favorite songs as it harkens back to my youth in the eye opening but not very complicated 60’s. When I was home in my bed, all was right with the world as I turned on my Victrola.*  I never had a care and the biggest dilemma facing me was would my mother let me paint my room red. By the way she compromised if you have read me extensively and let me paint one wall in what I thought was my favorite color.  God she was right a red room would have been a nightmare and certainly a Hard Days Night into sleep. 

The Beatles were a phenomena that I listened to on my transistor radio with my mono earplug. And when that movie came out it was the first and only time that the audience (teenage girls) were screaming at a motion picture screen. The writers of that film gave us back a musical comedy not seen since another favorite of mine: Guys and Dolls. Beatlemania though probably rose to a zenith when that lighthearted story hit the silver screen. I was there and history will never be repeated like that again at least not in my lifetime.  

In 1967 Cream had a song called: Born Under a Bad Sign and it typified my thoughts when I wasn’t able to reconcile my undiscovered talent for grey cells in my High School days.  Was it only experience I was lacking or was I just shy waiting to leave my chrysalis?  Probably a bit of both and knowing the answer won’t even give me a pie playing Trivial Pursuit which I was pretty good at if I am any judge. Well that’s not a good response, because I am hardly a good judge of character because in the dictionary the word gullible has my picture right next to the definition.  And those that have judged me usually just read the headlines and forgot the body of the story. But in their defense who has time to read anyway. 

* A Victrola is an antique record player; the sound of the vibrating needle is amplified acoustically.

The Sikh's Embrace

Today I experienced something so singular that it made me realize the world isn’t such a bad place after all. I found myself in the company of nearly 3,000 Sikh’s on the grounds of their temple where they held a carnival like no other I have attended. 

  I am fortunate to have met about a year and a half ago a humble man in one of the exercise clubs that I call my second home.  Over the course of time we befriended each other and in a world of separateness and strong ethnicity he embraced my friendship as I did his. When I was introduced to his family at a festive occasion at his home his relatives took it upon themselves to welcome this vanilla man as if they knew me for years.  A hard workingman from India who wears his humility like a blessing and shares his abundance as openly as only the true heart can beat.  

Maybe it was my imagination or just my wishful thinking but I could swear that on those hallowed grounds something special was brewing.  I was anxious for sustenance and as I reticently approached one of the food stands, to partake in the culinary delights a lovely woman adorned in a colorful sari smiled at me and motioned me closer to sample the offerings. She lit my countenance in return and I felt like I was home. And as I wandered the grounds chatting to anyone and everyone I found that their friendly demeanor rivaled friends I’ve had for many a year. 

My friend reminded me of Marlon Brando in: The Wild One. He wore dark shades and an American Flag bandana and the only thing missing was his motorcycle.  And as he directed the cars onto the temple grounds he took pride in being traffic cop for the day with the same devotion he gives at work, at play, with his family and friends. Just someone I admire and a wonderful model for his son.  He takes pride in everything he does and when he takes you in to his confidence you will have a different meaning as to what a friend is.  

Sunny Side Up

So often in our rush to ameliorate our loved ones feelings, we try to save them the emotional pain of sudden trauma whether it be from the death of a relationship, a disappointment from something unexpected or just free floating anxiety. We are not the feelings that travel through us even though it might seem that way. We must face the possibility that there will be times when we can’t make things better and we just have to let the eggs fall to the floor and crack. What is surprising is that when that egg does split open it often is Sunnyside up.  

The Great Divide

No matter how well spoken, enunciated and clearly audibly one can speak, the great divide turns words into a whisper with your back turned. What is tragic is that too many times we choose the default setting of leaving things unsaid, when even the most obvious phrases would be the better choice. We can become lifeless and inanimate when it comes to our communicative skills. Silence is not golden but wooden and too easily subjected to the decay that time brings to every relationship that is not nurtured each and every day. There is no time for he said she said, only what we say every damn day!  

Attention and Other Cognitive States

The first stage of attention is called pre-attentive processing stage in which in my case was determining that a stimulus was being presented of letters rapidly floating by in my field of vision.  In other words, I was asked to identify whether the letters j or k could be identified in any given sequence.  The next stage is called focused attentive processing in which I was trying to determine which of the two letters I actually saw.  What seemed to be happening for my test was that I was focusing on one letter, the letter j and I was having difficulty processing if I saw both letters as I could only seem to place focus on one letter with any degree of perceived accuracy. As I point out perceived accuracy because there was no immediate feedback if I was correct or not (Argosy, 2009).

My visual attention was directly affected as the presentation speed varied.  The probability that I saw both letters at the faster speeds rapidly declined.  I was fortunate to see one. In actual fact I was quite pleased if I was able to see just one of the two letters as I have previously stated.  As the speed decreased the probability that I made the right choice increased however slightly.  At the slower speeds my eyes could focus on each image, the converse was true at higher speeds. What it was reminiscent of is watching a stop watch that shows tenths of a second, it is virtually impossible to see each tenth of a second as it clicks off even though each image is present for 100 ms. My notion is that 100 milliseconds is too fast for me to identify each digit in a tenth of a second.  

Feature integration theory which holds that humans have to take time to process letters that are similar dovetails in my opinion with selective attention which had me trying to select the two targeted letters and disregarding all the rest (Argosy, 2009).  Selective attention is the ability to attend of focus on one source of information that is to only see the letters j or k and to exclude other stimuli which for my lab experiment was to ignore all the other letters that were not j or k. Further along these lines is that this experiment required controlled attention where I maintained a deliberate effort to pay attention to the stimulus at hand and ignoring all others or the letters that were not j and k (Ashcraft & Radvansky, 2010). 

Sleep deprivation affects the brain’s ability to function at the same speed and its capability deteriorates quickly.  The brain will work harder to counteract the affects but the concentration levels will drop and memory will be affected and impaired (The effects of sleep deprivation, 2007).

Attentional blink   which in this experiment has asked us to respond to one stimulus and then immediately to another showed that our response is delayed having to identify another event (Ashcraft & Radvansky, 2010). It is common knowledge that alcohol affects judgment and reduces reaction time.  Therefore a high-pressure attention demanding job like air traffic controllers (ATC) requires much more attention than the Coglab experiment just conducted and any use of alcohol or drugs could have disastrous consequences. 

• Argosy University (2009). Cognition and Learning PSY360 UC Module 3. Retrieved September 25, 2009 from http://myeclassonline.com

 Ashcraft, M.H., Radvansky, G.A. (2010). Cognition. Belmont CA.: Prentice

The effects of sleep deprivation, 2007 Retrieved September 25, 2009 from http://www.sleep-deprivation.com/articles/effects-of-sleep-deprivation/index.php

Wandering Star

I was born under a wandering star. I am constantly on the move it seems and right now I am on my way yet again.   Although I can’t seem to find a permanent address, I am blessed to have those that will take me in to theirs when I have dislodged myself from my own.  That attractability factor I possess that blesses and curses me. That has me beating my chest one moment and feeling sorry for myself the next.    I have not given much thought to how those that come into my periphery feel when they are caught in my web and how they feel betrayed when they have reached their expiration date. By the way I don’t always affix that label of expiration, sometimes they curdle their own milk when they leave themselves out on the counter of complacency.  

Sound arrogant? Not really especially if you have never met me. The rub is that I have this unconscious competence when I need to be more conscious of what it is I am exactly doing. My future ex- wife told me that I had the therapist we both had met with wrapped around my finger. When I asked her incredulously: How can I influence a therapist with a Ph.D. in psychology?  Her silent response gave me pause for thought. My former General Agent in essence told me the same thing that I manipulate people with the adroitness of a skilled surgeon. He also added that I know exactly what I am doing and when I am doing it. Enlighten me because I need to harness this ability so that I don’t hurt anyone again including myself. 

So what about this Wandering Star? I think that my shark like swim makes it virtually impossible for me to settle down in any traditional sense no matter how strong the pull or how much I feel compelled to stay in one place.  The only thing that has been a constant in my life is my sobriety, although some might argue that my behavior resembles a drunken sailor at times. For those that I have hurt I say now that I never did it with intended purpose and for those that need some solace I have hurt myself even more egregiously as my legacy just lost an inscription on my tombstone. He was a good step dad.  Well as a footnote I was for a time anyway when I was giving those that didn’t have a family a "home base" as my middle step used to call my space. 

A Highly Charged Emotional State

When we are in a highly charged emotional state it’s sometimes difficult to see and be with the person that is the cause of the anxiety, sadness or anger. In the case of emotionally charged feelings that are pleasant or joyful the presence of that person is heightened as well except for the fact that it can make those sensations misshapen and give us a distorted good feeling that might make the mutuality of feelings a little bit blurred.  

TFIM

Have you heard this expression?  I am sure you have if you’re older than 30 or 40 years old. I like to abbreviate it: TFIM. We actually cannot have true mutual feelings because the degree of similarity to the emotions of the mind is as individual as a fingerprint.  But if we limit them to the named emotions like happiness, frustration, anger, depression, sadness and exhilaration then the expression: The feeling is mutual is close enough.  

No Conscience

My father used to say to me two things that I will always remember and as I reflect back on it there was a dearth of wisdom that he did convey to me.  I do recall these and I shall always remember. He said: Jack there’s no fool like an old fool and an erection has no conscience. Now they both made perfect sense and I never deliberately sought out younger versions of my distaffed counterparts unless they came with an aggressiveness of their own that I could not resist, but for the most part I stayed clear of those that would  find it difficult relating to me in the time zone of life that I found myself in.   Some might quickly retort with that familiar refrain: Yeah right, but it matters little what they thought because my mind did not come from conventional thought and my drums played more like Gene Krupa rather than Ginger Baker. 

And as far as the “no conscience” idea, I also agree with this bit of wisdom because I know that my big brain goes into a blackout when the primal urge takes over. The feeling of desire is one that when properly harnessed is a wonderful force to witness but when the avidity of my libido rears its little head I can find myself in a tempest that usually could have been avoided.  

Worry

Today I start a piece on a favorite topic of mine: Worry. I will do it in several parts so please indulge me as I put it to you over a number of days. He sort of looks like me, well when I had hair. 

How does worry stay alive?  What gives it the breath of life?  Or in the case of worry how does it steal our breath and make it short?  Which leads me to the idea that worry cannot exist for long when we take long deep breaths and let them out every so slowly.  Worry requires that we shallow breathe so that it makes our heart work harder and beat faster.  It likes us to have our sweat glands working overtime.  

Worry is not of nature it is not even of the natural laws of the universe.  It exists solely as a parasite would on the energy that we provide it with.  Why do we need worry is another question that comes to mind.  We need it because…. oh yes it shows us that we care about someone or some thing.  However, I think we think it shows that we care about someone but it is so misdirected because worry means we lack the faith in that person.  It also says that without our worry they won’t be able to take care of it themselves.  

What about when we worry about ourselves?  Like we won’t have enough money to pay the rent or the mortgage, to pay the bills. Does worry ever help pay the bills?  Of course the answer is no and in fact I don’t think worry even pays a living wage even in Thailand.  It is a cost.  Worry is a very high priced expense item masquerading as a do gooder that provides us with some service.  What is that service?  It’s not even a good early warning system as it only takes cues from its first cousin fear.  

The Dark Side

What we sometimes forget is the main ingredient that brought us all the excitement we experienced today in the 8:30 spin class and that is the person that was the proximating cause of it all. It was the woman who took Jessica’s bike away. Now if it were Kristen’s class this would never have happened because the only thing we would have seen is the backside of “Big Brazil” exiting the studio. 

Funny it takes the “dark side” to rally us and bring us together. It happens all the time we need to have a sense of purpose to galvanize our focus otherwise the everyday life takes us away on a jaunt that has no real excitement. But it’s more than that; it takes people that are living the unlived life.  What is the unlived life? The life of not settling for average, not settling for second best not wishing anything for someone else that we don’t want for ourselves. 

Today we wanted to love Jessica and shower her with our affection and the setting of Tripp Doherty’s class is the perfect setting because it couldn’t happen anywhere else. We can be joyous in other places but no one can take an exercise class and make it a human experience like Svengali can. 

We're Busy Doing Nothing

Perhaps I will just keep a log about my heart and record my medication ingestion as well because like most people they do forget their prescriptions at times but I can ill afford that when my heart beat is at stake.

So being Monday the 30th Memorial Day I fortunately had the good fortune of remembering because I did not have the ‘rush’ of my day as I struggle with the song that typifies my working life so often and that’s “We’re Busy Doing Nothing Working the Whole Day Through”.

And now Tuesday has resulted so far in no episodes as well. So far so good. Which reminds me of a line from Laurel & Hardy. Who are they you might ask? Well just google it and find out.

Paperwork

Here we are in the 21st Century and you would think that paperwork would be a thing of the past. You would think that. But the insurance industry has not only not progressed into the virtual world of inputting documentation into an electronic format but has increased the amount of paper that has to be filled out in a process that is more antiquated than the typewriter itself. 

Who is the miscreant? It can only be the legal profession that has escalated the proliferation of endless reams of waste because who else can I blame? It’s not the sales desk that’s for sure. I remember talking to a home office employee some 8 years ago and he told me that we would be a paperless office within a year. Well millions of pages later we are still mired and progress is just a lucid dream. 

Lifering

The difference between people comes down to the fear that they feel in their own hearts. I believe that everyone would love to think of someone else first I really do! However, we become enmeshed in our human frailties and hold onto to the expectation that the universe will not care for us when we let go. No one seems to realize that there is always a net.  Clutching to our imaginary life rings does not provide the safety we think it affords. If we are to “drown” that fate will arrive whether we put safeguards in place or not. More than likely it’s not our turn to lose something we think is important for our emotional survival because it wasn’t ours in the first place. 

Double Speculation

I absolutely love this concept because I don’t think I have ever heard it spoken of before until I stumbled on it one day with some very close friends when we were engaged in prognostication about what we all wanted in our vocations in life. 

A very close confidant reminded me of it today when she said: Well if she does this then you might do that. This is a perfect example of double speculation.  The first is: If she does this, the second: then you might do that. How often are we engaging in this practice, which has absolutely no basis in reality? True we can assume that if it’s happened before this could be classified as a chain of events, it is not double speculation, but predictable behavior instead. Double speculation gets us in trouble because we often cut ourselves off by imagining things that would not have happened and in turn ruin what can be the most exciting things in our life. 

Deliberate Thoughts

As I drive I often think how inconsiderate we are. For instance why is it that we fail to signal when making a turn or changing lanes? Is it so much of an effort? What is it? Is it just laziness or is it as I suspect that we are just so self absorbed that we just don’t give a damn about anyone or anything except what is going on in our world?  I know that I have to stop myself from getting angry and not take it personal when someone doesn’t signal when if they had, I could have proceeded on my way. It’s hard not to take it personal though because it is happening to us but it’s not really because had we left the house sooner or a minute later that driver would not have crossed our field of vision. It still pisses me off and there are times when I want to castigate the miscreant but am helpless to do so. I just have to let it go. 

And those drivers that when approaching the intersection seem to speed up way past the limit when we are making a turn in front of them. If they were driving at normal speed we make the turn well in time before they have to brake. I see this all the time and they get indignant and blow their horn so as to make their hostilities known to us. I know I have been guilty as well when the turning light interval is gone I continue with the turn holding up the oncoming lane that has been waiting for the turning arrow to go dark.  Only today the light turned green for me  and if I had proceeded a second sooner I would have collided with the driver making a left running the red light. Somehow I think that more egregious than my inconsiderateness of extending the turning light but we are all in such a hurry to go nowhere most of the time. Yes there are times when we have a genuine need but those are very rare indeed. 

And my biggest pet peeve is the smoker who likes to throw his butt out the window and not use his or her ashtray. God do I hate that. The road is their garbage can and it galls me that people think they have some inalienable right to flick their butts out open windows. A filthy habit to be sure and one that I can pontificate endlessly about since I do not smoke. And those that litter may be the worst of all as I wonder what their house looks like. 

Rocks and Hard Places

Women sometimes ask questions they don’t want the answer to.  They probably get enchanted with the question. It’s our job as men not to put ourselves between a rock and a hard place.  The truth might leave us with a slap in the face and a lie brings on eyes lit like a ferocious fire.  What to do?  A question with a question is the way to sidestep these queries. Something like: I know you have a good reason why you are asking me that, would you mind telling me what it is?  If she says: I just want to know. You can stop take a deep breath and tell her you love her and say that if she really needs an honest answer, that you need time to think about it because you know that it’s obviously important to her.  She might not like that response but she will respect you because you took the time to think about it and just didn’t fire off an answer you thought she wanted to hear.