In the Beginning....

In the beginning there always seems to be the hope and the feeling that because someone is loved our own feelings of love will find a way to link our heart to their heart.  A compelling sexual attraction is the common thread that makes us believe in our love even though a wearing away of that dynamic can wash away the emotion of love with it. 

What is it then that keeps us in love with all the key elements: passionate sex, touch, healthy codependence, trust, our own personal freedom, loyalty, confidence, comfort, excitement, and visceral reactions that make us sigh? It takes just as many attributes to keep what we first are blessed with and still maintain the intimacy we all long for.  Some elements that might be important are never to be condescending, never withholding sex, never using words as a weapon, never expect that the other should know what we are thinking, and never do alone what being done together would bring us closer to one another. 

Having common interests although important are simply not enough to keep that blue flame from being extinguished. Nonetheless if we don’t do things together we become isolated and lethargic and the things that we found exciting become work and eventually what made us click turns out the love light and the silent but deadly storm has us seeking comfort in the arms of another. 

The archetype of marriage assumes too many unstated rules that are never clearly communicated and wind up on the cutting room floor when one partner decides to edit part of the script without consulting the other. Monogamy is the most assumed of these unspoken Cardinal Rules and when it is breached the other is ostracized and labeled depraved or a slug that needs to be squashed. Monogamy is thought of always as devotion but too often it is a way to possess another in ways that if averages don’t lie just don’t work for many. Yes it can work for some but it is becoming more and more rare that we humans can have sex with just one person. Whether that is sad or not seems not to matter because it is often true. Ducks do it but just about every other species uses sex for a host of reasons that don’t necessarily include love and devotion.

An open marriage works for some but even here the calculated risk of performing acts of biological intimacy with others requires explicit rules that must be agreed to in advance because deviance from those specifics must not be changed ad hoc lest jealousy, insecurity and fear consume the relationship emotionally.   

Is the key to maintaining longevity in love having the ability to bring in someone else into the boudoir? I asked one strange woman what did she attribute to her long success with her husband? She said: Lots of sex!  Is it that simple? It just might be because when you do it often enough it might be the practice that keeps us paying attention to our partner in ways that can make familiarity something that keeps us from being unfaithful.  Variety is the spice of life as the old cliché goes and now it might be the prime ingredient that cuts down on the divorce rate.