12/12/12

I just had to use that as a title because we will never see that date configuration ever again. Something about numbers that’s always-intrigued and  last year gave me my favorite: 11/11/11.  It doesn’t amount to a hill of beans but have you noticed that people aren’t referring to the year now as 2 thousand and something? It’s Twenty Twelve now. I like that better too it just sounds cleaner if that makes any sense. 

Have you ever looked at the clock speaking of numbers and seen the time 1111? I call it picket fence time or its little brother little picket fence time 111?  More silly nonsense but why not we have enough to grieve and complain about in this now the 4th year of a modern day depression.  

It’s less than 2 weeks until Christmas and 12/12/12 reminds me I have done very little holiday shopping. What about you?  

The Forbidden Frontier

Throughout the past 150 plus years or so the push for equality has made some frontiers disappear one by one. When Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves it started a snowball effect that emancipated those restrained by prejudice and human bondage.    

When suffragettes were lobbying for the vote the male of the species scoffed at such an idea. Never underestimate the power of the female because not only did they get the vote they are on the precipice of ruling the world taking the power away from their now emasculated male counterparts.  I never liked Gloria Steinem but one has to admire what she stood for and although she was ostracized at first she has made equality commonplace for women. Some of the tradeoffs for equality have had some deleterious affects for some women and as the old adage goes: be careful what you wish for.  

People of color have had many renaissances since Mister Lincoln changed the map for them. Jackie Robinson more than just a baseball player started the financial revolution for minorities and even though prejudice fought them every inch of the way we have a sitting African American in the White House fulfilling Martin Luther Kings dream speech beyond even his wildest hallucination.   

Gays and lesbian men and women also suffered violence of the highest magnitude. But even after the period of brutality they endured ended they still had to bear the brunt of a deep-seated prejudice and for many years withstood their own version of second-class citizenship. Now that has changed and same sex relationships are accepted without much fanfare and the once outrageous thought of same sex marriage is now favored in this country by a whopping 53%. A thought that was most unthinkable even in the late 20th Century. The sitting President has changed his mind on this subject also. Some said it was a flip-flop. I think it was more like evolution. 

Even on the world stage in 1947 the State of Israel was formed and the phrase: Let my people go fulfilled a dream of nearly 3,500 years ago.  Now the idea of a Palestinian state doesn’t seem a wild-eyed notion anymore. But who is next?  

There is a group we will start to hear more and more about.  Those people both men and women who are devoted to a practice called Polyamory. They believe in the idea that some relationships can include more than one sexual partner. How can this be? Not an easy lifestyle to even cogitate but some doctrines of Polyamory are spiritual in nature. There’s no such thing as clandestine affairs in Polyamory because all partners know in advance who might be sleeping with who (if that is included in the arrangement) and as a result there might be a tad less divorces to add to the statistics.  Even though Polyamory doesn’t eliminate divorce or jealousy it goes a long way in making full disclosure part of every human relationship contract.  The Forbidden Frontier, one by one they disappear until as we as a species live without prejudice.  

Happy Birthday Robin Roberts

This Black Friday  I happened to  catch GMA.  I watched a musical vignette led off by Stevie Wonder singing his now iconic Happy Birthday song. As the music played images of exuberant loving fans including viewers, co-workers and several celebrities flashed signs and sang along with Stevie.  

I confess that I never watch Good Morning America and I know very little of Robin Roberts one of the co-hosts of the ABC show now on sabbatical for health reasons. What did strike me however as the music played was how the tears started to fill my eyes. The reflection of love these people have for Robin Roberts was transmuted across the screen and I instantly felt a connection to this beloved former athlete and TV personality in the faces of those that carry her close to their hearts. 

Authentic emotions are one of the gifts we humans can share with each other and for this human I felt it for Robin Roberts. 

Dick Tracy

Dick Tracy was a detective and like all good detectives, I mean really good detectives they solve mysteries. Some mysteries are tough to solve because there are few clues. Dick Tracy gave me this clue and I pass it on to you. The Butler did it.  

When Will This Ever End?

When will this ever end?  Have you ever asked yourself this question? Of course you have and the truth is that even when we think we are “in” something it’s changing nonetheless. We get so absorbed in the unpleasantness we don’t see we are moving toward a different outcome and creating a new beginning. 

Questions. Do You Have a Problem With Alcohol?

1. Is there a particular time in the day you prefer a drink? 

2. Do you drink alone?

3. Do you hide bottles when you are through with them?

4. How old were you when you first picked up?

5. Has your drinking interfered with your relationships at home/work?

6. Do you think you can stop anytime you want?

7. Do you need a drink when you’re in mixed company or in a group?

8. When everyone else has stopped drinking are you the last one to stop?

9. How do you feel before you pick up? Are you happy/sad/depressed?

10. How do you feel the next day after a day/night of alcohol and or drugs

11. Do you feel remorseful? 

12. If you had to stop could you?

13. What would have to happen for you to stop?

14. Do you think alcohol has had an adverse affect on your life?

15. Can you imagine a life without alcohol/drugs? 

See if you can answer these questions with rigorous honesty. Then ask yourself what has to happen next? 

CASAC Section II

The more I read and study about the certificated course in CASAC (Certified Alcohol and Substance Abuse Counselor) the more excited I become about becoming the best counselor on the East Coast. I make this unabashed claim because I know that I was born to do this. The experience of 23 years in AA, a degree in psychology, an outgoing personality and the fact that I am a sexagenarian will all lend themselves to being a value added asset to those afflicted with the dis-ease of alcoholism. 

Today I started the 2nd section of this course and it is considerable in length 85 versus 150 hours and I am up for the challenge. Bring it!

Capitulation Tuesday

Giving in to it. Today I just have to give in. Sit here and write and study be with my two cats and reflect how blessed I am not only to have survived the devastation outside but also to have lasted nigh on 62 years now. 

I hate to give in and I hate to say goodbye and that has helped as well as hindered me all my life. I don’t know why I am so persistent or relentless. I don’t think I inherited those traits from my father or mother maybe it was my paternal Grandfather but it makes life for me more like a human doing than a human being. Part of what marks my personality beside my sensitive nature is my enthusiasm. I think I was born with that and my environs gave fuel to the fire within me that still burns bright whether its in a spin room or when I walk about other humans and start extemporaneous conversations that have no script.  I love how deftly I can start confabs with strangers and how most respond to me. It’s curious how it works nearly every time. I think its intuition but the more sullen and serious people I love talking to them the most.  I lift their day and usually put a smile on their face as well and that gives me Actual Grace and its fun as well.  

So today in the aftermath on Capitulation Tuesday I sit and feel that it’s okay to give in to capitulate and not do anything. Tomorrow should arrive just in time for things to do.  

A Sexagenarian Plus 1

This is a great opportunity for a man of 61 years old to get more acquainted with himself and connect with others in a way that will resonate with people of any age and hopefully any walk of life, ethnicity or gender. When I became a sexagenarian it was probably the most significant emotional and spiritual event that I can recall because it gave me a vantage point that I had never considered because I live my life to the fullest yet only day to day. One of my major shortcomings is not having had a plan. I used to make goals but I think my accomplishments have come through osmosis as it were rather than a concerted conscious effort on my part.  

Also woven into my current working life and tenure, as a stepparent has been my life in recovery from alcohol and drugs for the past 23+ years. I have been fortunate in never having relapsed in that time. This experience I have been blogging about in what I call: My Life After AA for the past 3 years. These writings are my own experience and they have been reported to be a didactic source to my readers and quite frankly to me as well. This writing capability has extended itself into 13 blogs that I write on a regular basis. I of course am seeking to be discovered by some editor and maybe one day I will be. My writing is experiential in nature and I have been told that I am able to capture within my writing, emotion that normally would take pages. I just know that like my life, my writing is not scripted and it arrives nascent, or Faulkneresque as some have mused. 

I am determined to avoid the world of stagnation and despair that my 83-year-old father lives in.  My remaining years I hope will be characterized by the word that I have learned in my psychology studies and that is generativity. I have so much to offer succeeding generations merely by the life I have lived. Whether it be through my life passing through military college, a major weight loss of 75 pounds, a running career that included 17 marathons, life as an alcoholic and one in recovery for 23+ years. 

As long as I can take in a breath I will always be in learning mode. Whether it is in my chosen vocation of Finance, my exercise regimen of spinning, or writing in my blogs I am always gaining knowledge about people, places and things.  If I could describe my essence it would be a sponge. I am constantly taking new experiences and using my intuition to advance the lives of those in my nuclear and blended families and those that I interface with on a daily basis. 

My future studies will certainly include the field of addiction, as I will pull from the 23 years of personal sobriety. I can also lend my experience to arena of blended families and share the experiences I have had as a stepfather. There is not enough study in this field of endeavor and I will do what I can to foster more understanding of the non-nuclear family. 

Another area of interest for me lies in the burgeoning science of Cyber Psychology. Again having spent 17 years in the social networks of the World Wide Web and its ever-expanding intricacies is a fascinating area of psychology yet to be discovered. 

Keep It Dark

When I think about the light it stands to reason that things can be seen with abject clarity. However there are times when it’s better to Keep it Dark. When the light shines its easier to jump to conclusions as our ready made mind is blind to what might lie in the shadow view.  

In the shadow, the dark eliminates preconception and truth can stand just as upright in the dark as it does in the light.  As long as there is no incongruity the truth is true in the dark too.  Keep it Dark and we can go inside and intuitively find what our heart says not what we think our eyes see. 

The Passion and the Fury

God gave us the gift of emotion and although we display many of them   almost daily some are subtler and still more that are reserved for the peak sensations.  Most of us claim that we have passion for the work we do or a particular avocation or for that special someone in our lives.  Rarely however do we see and witness the emotion of fury, which has its own connotation of unrestrained anger that is out of control. What we might not suspect however is that underneath the emotion of fury lies passion.  

Passion can stand by itself but fury is a human disturbance that needs passion as its fuel.

Fury by Merriam definition is intense, disordered and often destructive rage. Rarely does fury get a positive spin and used in a sentence might read something like: The fury in her eyes turned to a physical rage that seemed to belie her gentle nature. A hurricane can have fury when it unleashes its potent power of water and wind but fury in the human form usually has people in their path running for cover. Fury cannot obtain the force it needs to exist unless passion is running concurrently in the background. When someone is passionate about someone or some thing the management of containment is not always in a person’s power or control. Fury is a deep-seated emotion and the gasoline is passion.  

P.S.

A woman's fury is a force to be reckoned with.  

Human Love Part II

Human love is often a roller coaster without a seat belt and it can buffet us about saddling us with sebaceous injuries   we never heal from primarily because we never establish boundaries beyond nebulous rules that society has established and we never take the time to agree to. My step daughter comes to mind as one woman that made it very clear what she wanted in a man, what she wouldn’t tolerate and if she didn’t see every boyfriend as a potential mate she ushered him to the door right quick.

  In my own life I took hostages both before I drank and when my alcoholism was active. My first wife was a serious relationship from the start and it wasn’t until later that I realized that I had tried to make her a replacement for my sister who had died suddenly at 16.  It is not to say I didn’t love her because I did and she gave me the emotional support throughout that dark period in my life.  I think of her as the most stable relationship I have ever had and although it did not have the fire my carnivorous appetite desired she nonetheless made me realize that human love often consumed in the carnal knowledge of another rarely lasts unless the love moves beyond the physical plane.  

It is my opinion that we can never really appreciate divine or spiritual love (unless maybe you’re of the clergy) until we have really understood what human love is. It is always changing and it can vary so much we might not even recognize the shape when it started.  Some are lucky enough to mate for life but in the 21st Century that has become increasingly difficult merely because technology changes people so dynamically that we often don’t even know who we are let alone who another human might be.  I have heard that phrase uttered many times which often makes me cringe and it’s: I thought I knew you but now I don’t.  How can anyone really know someone else? It’s impossible and because humans will definitely err measuring up to who someone thinks we are in every facet of their lives is headed for a huge disappointment. 

Human Love Part I

Let’s begin with human love.  We all know firsthand this kind of love from before we even knew what love was in our mother’s arms to the first puppy love we experience with a romantic interest when our hormones begin to awaken in our body.  The love we have for our mother although remaining constant for the most part is always changing and always varying in intensity depending upon our age and the amount of defiance we are feeling especially in our teenage years.   

And with first love, which is probably, just lust disguised cutely inside a young body has its intensity varying almost on a daily or weekly basis because of hormonal rushes and that type of love changes frequently   because in our youth we go through relationships like socks and underwear wanting to try on something new that strikes our particular fancy at a moment in time.  Of course when we are young we can’t see past the next day or week and we have no real plan that says we have a chance at finding our mates in adolescence. As we all know we can’t see past the next hour with the love du jour of our lives until they do something that pisses us off and its on to the next teenage dream. 

Spiritual Love

What is it about spiritual love that makes me think even that is transitory. Wayne Dyer related from an author he read that there were three types of love. Divine love, which never changes or varies. Spiritual love that never changes but does vary and Human love which always changes and always varies. 

I like these concepts because they are starting to help me in distinguishing what the hell I am feeling toward all the people in my life. Divine love is what our Higher Power holds for us and with that there is no room for discussion (thank God) but the other types of love are what bedevil me almost on a daily basis. Human love is what we all feel at different times of our lives and even from day to day.  That warm and fuzzy feeling we have for our friends that touch our lives even if it is only for short intervals like an exercise class or for some of our close associates at work. This type of human love doesn’t require any commitment other than the wave of serenity that cascades over us when ‘the spirit’ moves us.  

Next Up Human Love 

Ibogaine

The New Miracle Drug?

In my investigation for a drug to learn about I chose Ibogaine. According to a google search the website Maps.org reveals that ibogaine is a psychoactive substance occurring naturally in a plant in West Africa called iboga.  According to MAPS, iboga is a mild stimulant in small doses but in larger quantities is a strong psychedelic. The alkaloid in this shrub was used in ceremonies in the Bwiti religion in healing ceremonies. However some people with opiate addictions have found that it can markedly reduce the withdrawal and temporarily remove cravings for opiates. 

Ibogaine is classified as a Schedule I drug in the United States and also is illegal in some European countries even though currently it is not thought that it will gain prominence as a recreational drug. To make matters a little suspect in my opinion there is no known medical use for the substance but that does not keep people from seeking out underground suppliers and international clinics that provide it.  

The preliminary risks are that ibogaine causes death in 1/300 but these fatalities are in combination with other medical conditions like slowing of the heart and liver problems.  The source also warns patients seeking its use should weigh the health risks and have a medical professional nearby when taking it.  

Ibogaine is taken three different ways:

 1. Orally via a capsule.

 2. Orally as a powder.

 3. Anally. 

 When its taken in capsule it is accompanied by a small amount of water to minimize the urge to use the toilet and the capsule eliminates the horrible taste of the substance.  The patient will also feel compelled to throw up as it lumps in the stomach when it dissolves. Anti-nausea medicines are advised before ingestion.  

Somewhat counter intuitively a better way is to take the drug is as a powder. Even though some claim it tastes like battery acid. This method allows the stomach to be lined with an increased amount of water thereby reducing the urge for reverse peristalsis.  Anti-nausea meds are also suggested.  It can also be mixed with honey, or sweetened water. 

The third administering of the drug anally prevents throwing up and dispenses with the disgusting taste.  Beside the embarrassment and discomfort this method has no comparison to it be taken orally.  An enema is taken first and after a waiting period using a syringe the ibogaine is injected.  

This month Dr. T.K. Brown in a clinic in Mexico is completing his observation of the long-term effects of Ibogaine. Dr. Brown hopes that his study will help evaluate the efficacy of ibogaine-assisted therapy.  The twelve-month follow up will examine if the quality of life for ibogaine patients is significantly improved.   This report will be compared concurrently the MAPS study in New Zealand.  The New Zealand study is examining the safety of the drug and also its long-term effectiveness using a small sample of 20-30 participants.  

Other players in the world using Ibogaine as a treatment claim that it cures heroin and cocaine addiction in as little as 48 hours without withdrawal symptoms.  All of the treatments are done outside of the United States and the cost varies from as low as 2, 200 to 20,000. One caveat that seems to have been raised is that the use of ibogaine does not have a plan that is systematic before and after its use. It could be that ibogaine as some have suggested will only buy those patients a window of time.  

It would seem that the study of Ibogaine is still in its infancy and there will be considerable resistance if its use becomes more widespread to those that produce the drug methadone as it might hurt their sales.  

Act of Contrition

O my God, I am heartily sorry for
 having offended thee, and I detest
 all my sins, because of your just
 punishments, but most of all because
 they offend you, my Lord, who are
 all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of
 thy grace, to sin no more and to
 avoid the near occasion of sin amen.  

I used to utter this prayer just before I exited the small-enclosed booth called the confessional after  taking the sacrament of penance or reconciliation as it is referred to now in modern times. The act of penance was the admission of the sins I had committed  (both Mortal and Venial) to my parish priest.  The opening line went something like this: Bless me Father for I have sinned, it has been 6 weeks since my last confession. Anything longer made me feel uncomfortable as if I was living a graceful life, which I surely was not.  

At first I was able to rattle off the venial sins, which I used as filler to help masquerade the more egregious ones like missing church, lying or the ultimate sin having impure thoughts. It was a relief that my father confessor never pressed me for more detail on those mental excursions and for that I was grateful. Usually those prurient cognitions paled by comparison to the adult sins of sex I would be guilty of in my 20s and 30s.  

The fine or penance was usually a rosary of 10 Hail Mary’s topped off by the Lord’s Prayer or the Our Father. And as the priest made the sign of the cross from behind the grilled partition I knew that the sacrament was coming to a close and as he whispered his blessings he told me to say the Act of Contrition and I was dismissed.  Taking the sacrament penance gave me the gift of a clean soul and I could therefore receive communion the next day and receive a double helping of Sanctifying Grace. Sanctifying Grace? That can be another story for Jack Briant Reporter.  

Live and Let Live

A phrase with origins from the first World War (1914-18) wherein a temporary truce was upheld by both sides as sort of time out when the opposing forces were engaged in trench warfare. Although these respites from pitched battle were tenuous and subject to ending unexpectedly when someone got trigger happy and wouldn’t give temporary peace a chance.  A cultural definition for the present day has us living the life we choose and allowing others to do the same.  Live and let live a phrase that has been forgotten in large part due to the over dramatization of personal events by the media. One can hardly live a life or their own choosing especially when it doesn’t align with the court of public opinion.  

Live and let live means that even if we don’t agree with how others conduct their affairs that we give them the benefit of not trying to do their thinking for them. If they  don’t ask us for  our advice  we should not  offer ours. A parallel might be that since there is no one correct religion, ethnicity or political party nor is there one set of rules for the course we take in life. We all end up in one place more or less and how we get there is our own affair.  

The Epidemic

This has been stirring in me for quite some time and last night as I moved through the chaotic mass of humanity after my friends Triathlon I noticed one prevailing thing: Virtually every soul I laid eyes on had a cell phone in their hand. Now a phone is something you answer when it rings but that was then and this is now.  And even if the primary reason for possessing a portable phone was to give us the convenience to be instantly in touch with friends and loved ones, now even that notion is passé.  We carry these electronic brains as if it was part of one of our appendages. And what is the one thing we are afraid of losing after our wallet? Our cell phone has not only become a necessity but also a crutch and a device we have become co-dependent on.  

Now I don’t want to go astray about what I wanted to say here but the codependence has some dire consequences. We are all aware of sending our SMS messages when we are driving causes accidents but it seems that the laws against them have not kept people from continuing this dangerous practice. And to find people crossing the street or even walking indoors has not caused any hospitals stays that I am aware of but we continue to perambulate without looking where we are going trusting that our feet just know where to go.  

Now back to my real intention for this scribe.  I wanted to touch on being hooked on the activity of how much we look at our phones and ask 4 questions that I found in my CASAC* studies.

1. How many minutes or hours do we spend looking at our phone to answer a text message, check our email or any other extracurricular activity we are engaged in that signals our attention?  

2. Have you ever thought that maybe you should cut down on the amount of time you spend with your eyes on that small screen?

3. Have you ever been late to work or a social engagement because you were so mesmerized in seeing what was appearing instantaneously on your screen. 

4. What kind of psychological damage have you created by paying more attention to your iPhone than you do with your spouse or children?

If we were to take a look at the first question I don’t think anyone could actually give a realistic number to the time we spend looking at our phone. This includes the time wasted when there is nothing to see. In other words since the last time we checked two minutes ago nothing new has arrived from the universal mind to our address. 

Has it ever crossed your mind that you’d like to just cut down a bit on this activity? Like instead of stroking the “slide to unlock” key every five minutes change that to say every 30 minutes? It might be one way to curtail time spent. Or how about something more radical; shutting the phone off for periods of time like when you’re in a meeting or at mealtime for example or when you’re spending time with someone because it's just rude.  Let’s face it do you need an up to the minute report on what most times is no more than a message or an email that does not require immediate attention?  The rippling effects of being present than being in cyber space just might make your social or home life a hell of a lot more enjoyable. 

What about being late to the next thing we had on our schedule that actually requires our physical body? How many instances are we pressed for time and we continue with answering a text when it just can wait. The immediate gratification factor that we try to sate can cause us driving too fast for an example to what might be more important.  

And as I touched on earlier, how much damage do we do to the relationships that matter most devoting wasted time to those that are quite frankly just mental masturbation?  Is it really worth it? Most of us would say in hindsight that it isn’t. I have a friend that tells me she leaves her phone at home when she’s out with her family and doesn’t check her email for days at a time. At last check she has 25 years of blissful marriage, four well adjusted children and still watches the news to get the information she might really need. 

Is it an epidemic? Is that hyperbole? I don’t know but maybe its time we need to set boundaries. Everyone knows we need to do that with people now maybe its time to make ones with our cell phone.    

*CASAC: Certified Alcohol and Substance Abuse Counselor. 

99 Sikhs and Me

My friend Jesse who I met at an athletic club we both belong to about 2 years ago has become one of my (at the risk of seeming maudlin) very dear friends.  He has shown me what true humility is because for Jesse   it’s all about the work ethic not the rewards. 

Several weeks ago Jesse sent me one of those e invitations to be part of a holy ceremony called the Kirtan to be held at his home. Instruments accompany the Kirtan described as a call and response chanting devotional tradition.  When I walked in he politely asked me to remove my shoes, which I did dutifully, and then my friend fitted me with a ceremonial orange turban as custom calls for all men to have their heads covered. 

Inside of an hour my friend’s home was filled with Sikhs, the women in decorative saris and the men in kurta pajamas. My eyes casually looked around for another Anglo American but there were none in sight. I soon realized it was 99 Sikhs and me.  More about that later.  I could not begin to describe the ceremony but the music resonated from deep inside me and I found myself meditating about my family those departed and those still on this earth.  

  I for my part just sat on the floor and tried not to fidget too much as most the congregation was able to sit in the lotus position for the full two hours.  People would get up in no particular order and move about some with hands pressed together giving Namaste homage to the Guru and still others chanting to words and music which are the sacred hymns from the Guru Granth Sahib.  The Sikhs give great value to this type of singing and the Kirtan is the Sikhs way of keeping their souls afloat in the darkest of times. 

As I alluded to earlier it would seem that my friend by either happenstance or design invited his one Anglo friend Jack and as the evening descended it occurred to me what honor Jesse had bestowed on me. He as is his wont would not place much emphasis on this fact but it was for me something that this Catholic boy will never forget. Namaste my friend.  

Polyamory Part III

We all know that in any relationship it is compromises that we must make if we are ever to have a long lasting partnership with the love of our life. And it’s safe to say that in every relationship we can think back on a former one that had one aspect of it that was just plain better than the one we’re in. I don’t have to give examples well maybe I do but you all know what I mean. Bruce Jenner won the Decathlon all those years ago but he never broke a world record in any one of those events he competed in.  The same is true for the relationships we’ve had in  our life there is always someone that broke  a world record someone that listened more closely, kissed better, made love with more passion or just had more patience and tolerance. 

So how could one enhance their love life without resorting to sex, lies and videotape that resulted in your marriage  (the most common union) ending up on the cutting room floor? Maybe this Polyamory thing has some valid points in its favor. If you are turned off and not open to this line of thought read no further but if you are curious read on because if you just look at percentages the likelihood that at some point you don’t end up in divorce court are getting smaller and smaller. It will take a major paradigm shift to think like  polyamorists think but if you are going to have an affair wouldn’t it be better if everyone knew about it and approved of it in advance? Just think about the rippling effects that it might have on your primary relationship. Suppose you could be romantically attached to more than one lover and you didn’t have to be skulking down in the car seat when you were sneaking off to some motel. This is no small order by any means there are many hurdles Polyamory presents but some of the gifts it can bestow on the primary partnership can bring us  happiness we could never conceive of had we stuck to monogamy just like the ducks do. In the next installment we will talk about the Bonobo a member of the ape family that behaves much like us humans except when it comes to sex. Well they are animals but so are we.  We forget that sometimes I think.  

Polyamory Continued

What one thing besides money has been the downfall in most marriages or primary partnerships? Can we agree that it is sex? Whether it’s not having any conjugal relations or more importantly the infidelity on the part of one or both of the partners. As we have all seen in our personal lives or those of our friend’s lives infidelity lies at the heart of most broken unions.  Most affairs are begun in secret and these clandestine meetings only foster lies, heartbreak and so often divorce.  And as the statistics show affairs  leave two broken families.  Suppose there was an alternative to lies and deceit?  What might say you then?  Again let me say that this form of a relationship is not intended for all people but it might be a conversation you could  have with your significant other before you venture out on that lonely road which is a secret affair.  And by the way it rarely remains secret for long as we have seen time and time again.  

More to come on this topic.  

Polyamory

What follows is not intended to be an endorsement of any kind. 

Have you ever heard this term? More specifically referring to a lifestyle?  I would suspect that you probably have not but if you have before you prejudge it as being too outside the box listen up it has some qualities like monogamous fidelity that you might not have considered. First off Polyamory is means and I quote from wikipedia, which I wouldn’t do normally because the checks and balances to its content have not been established by recognized outside sources.  Here is what it says in any event: Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.  

So let’s do one thing and put all the obvious objections like jealousy, it’s against the laws or nature and or God and it’s down right crazy aside and take a look at what we can learn from people that not only live in this lifestyle but flourish in honesty and for the true practitioners of this way of life have conquered the manufactured emotion of jealousy.  

To Be Continued  

Good Manners

No Problem 

Well I think there is. A problem that is with the phrase all Generation X, Y and Z humans retort  when you respond with Thank You to them.  They say “No Problem”. Growing up in the 60’s Please, Thank you and Your welcome were the normal salutations when asking for something and receiving it. Somewhere in time I don’t when this annoying response to Thank You became part of our pop culture but I have detested it since I first heard it.

When I broke it down I usually heard it from people in service jobs. Restaurants, gas stations, Dunkin Donuts all the employees would say it. No Problem? Maybe they don’t mean the words as they are written because if it were a problem a lot of coffee and gas and food wouldn’t be bought in too many places. It just irked me and I know there are many more important things to talk about but No Problem is just bad manners.  

And as long as we’re at it how about waiters when they pick up the check at a restaurant? Do you need change? The gall that some of these individuals have gets me steamed. It’s preposterous. Instead of bringing back the change from the bill they want to know if they can keep the residue. I am sure this works for some getting more than they deserve because to say: Yes bring me change makes you sound like you’re penurious.  When waiters or waitresses say that to me I just say yes. It’s just bad manners. And manners are just not very fashionable in the 21st Century.  

Kristen James: A Riders Perspective

Under Construction. I want this to come out as perfect as possible. 

Jack 

My Orange Cone

I just started seeing these small orange cones dotting the floor of the Main Studio taking XCLR8 last Friday but the metaphor has a much larger connotation.  To me it meant that I have to establish boundaries in my life and when they are crossed I need to speak up and not let anyone run slipshod over me relying on my gentle nature.  

An orange cone can be moved but its me that will move it not those unauthorized who seem to make unilateral decisions that are not for them to make. Comments about me personally will always be someone else’s opinion and nothing more. It is the power that I give them that makes unacceptable behavior seem acceptable when by any account it is not.  

I will live my life and not hold court to anyone else’s opinion about what is best for me. Left to my own mind and heart I will live longer even if it is for me to be alone.  

Dyer Reborn

I was watching Wayne Dyer today on Oprah’s network in the idyllic paradise of Maui.  I have treated much of this man’s later work as simply profit motivated but at 71 and living through leukemia I saw a changed man.  His new book: Wishes is available digitally and in bookstores and in his chat with the beneficent Ms. Winfrey there was just no way Mr. Dyer could be anything but truly authentic.  She has that gift she can discern better than anyone on the planet and although I never really “got” Wayne Dyer before I finally heard him this time.  

Same Sex Marriage

Ask me at the beginning of the Millennium if I was a proponent of same-sex marriage and I would have categorically said no I’m against it. I must say at the outset I am not homophobic in fact my roommate in military college of all places was a gay man and he and I never let his sexual preference keep me from being one of my best friends. 

Let’s fast forward to the present day to the sitting President Barack Obama. He at the start of his administration was not in favor of same-sex marriage and he is a Democrat and Liberal. However in recent weeks Mr. Obama came out saying it should be legalized.  A news story on CNN asked two opposing sides if this reversal of opinion was a flip-flop or evolution. I admit I didn’t bother to listen to the two sides because by that time I had already made up my mind about same-sex marriage. 

Part II Soon 

The Last Goodbye*

Some people have a really difficult time saying they’re sorry. Not I. Being sorry is one of the first things out of my mouth when someone I know or love is not getting what they want from me.  I would hazard a guess that most of the world hates to say “I’m sorry” because either they detest the fact that they might be wrong and or being right gives them that false sense of superiority that some of us need.  

However this is about The Last Goodbye. The word “Goodbye” is the one word I am afraid of in the English language.  There are many individuals that give us tacit goodbyes when they simply stop talking to us which is in effect a last goodbye but we weren’t necessarily aware of it at the time, and there are other more strong minded individuals that tell you right to your face: Goodbye!  I admire those people because they have the guts to let go of something that just isn’t working for them and it takes courage to say goodbye. For the rest of us we hate to lose anything even if it’s something we don’t want.  

And then there are those (not me) that bluff you with ‘goodbye’.  They test your mettle to see if you can deal with them saying goodbye. These goodbyes I have never minded and often I have found they give me a feeling of instant relief. Most times though it’s like the boy that cried: Wolf and they are just pissed at you and say goodbye for effect. I usually don’t believe in these goodbyes as they are only in force for a few moments or a day or two at most.  

I think I’m afraid to say goodbye mostly because it was someone that I loved and I hate the idea that they might be sad or hurt and I feel responsible for their happiness which of course is just a lie I tell myself but I just can’t help it.  I know an alcoholic that once said that life is a series of hellos and goodbyes I guess its time for goodbye again. This alcoholic hates saying goodbye even when it’s the right thing to do.  

*Inspired by David Cook. 

I've Got a Secret*

 And someone’s leaked it.  Inevitably a secret told is instantly not one. We all love secrets and we always swear never to tell a soul however there’s always one person we tell because well what’s a secret if we can’t tell someone. And even though we thought the secret was safe with the one person we needed to divulge it to so too do they have that one person that swears on a stack of bibles that the secret is safe with them as well. And before you know it you have what was a secret now traveling around as gossip and soon you hear your own secret with just a few more details added for spice.  

*Inspired by KE$HA Kiss N Tell 

Subject to Interpretation

Even when things look bleak I find myself feeling not being fully associated with what is just a situation I find myself in.  One moment I could hitch my star to the excitement that life affords us only to be dashed by an uncoupling the next. Sometimes it just information that may bring me good news as well as the not so good but mostly its just my fear that leaves me feeling dread without a script to go along with it.  Happiness is the same because rarely does it have an accompanying verbiage. I remain outside myself whenever I can see that what is, is and this too shall pass.  

A Healthy Love

Is it love that brings me to my feet?  The cliché of love bringing us to our knees smacks of an unhealthy codependency and the loss of self. Don’t get me wrong I long for a love filled with codependence in pull me up energy because we all need a lift at times and if the ardor of love rings with true reciprocity she pulls me up when my flag lilts.

 The delight of love is tenuous especially when the communiqués become sideways glances and dilated pupils.  And the lexicon of: “You should know,” make the ties that bind loose shoe strings that leave us frustrated and resentment bound.  Time well spent is when  intentions are made clear and the result that some of those wishes will be granted instead of a growing silent scorn as our needs not having been met.

Meeting love on my two feet gives me the balance to craft my amorous breath in a sustainable bliss even though swept off my feet is the romantic notion dreams are made of like the white knight for her and twinkle of violet in a brown eyed girl.  I can still enjoy the thrill of love while standing up and wide awake because love in dreamscape inevitably has the white cloud turn black under the weight of life on life’s terms.

Takin' It to the Streets Part II

Don’t ask me where Part I is because its probably buried somewhere in the 500+ plus entries I’ve written over the past 2 years.  One of the most annoying parts of biking on the open road is the numbness that I feel in both my hands and perineum. . I never have problem with the latter in spin because we are so much out of the saddle and the pressure and therefore the numbness is not really a factor. The solution from my readings is in the saddle design (there are a few types) and adding bicycle shorts to the uniform, which have panels to cushion this common problem that can have deleterious effects for male riders. 

The comparison between spin and cycling out of the CS begins and ends with the pedal stroke and outside of the fitness level never the twain shall meet (What twain? The twain on twack twee!) In spin we can hold a Zen-like trance induction because there is nothing to be on the lookout for except listening to the beat of the music for cadence and adjusting the resistance wheel and of course absorbing the exhortations of the MC at the head of the class.  Outside there’s traffic, other riders, pedestrians and  the elements.  I have found that riding in the rain can be most refreshing especially on hot days and as a sentient man there’s something special about getting soaked right through to my socks that makes me enjoy being alive.  Of course it goes without saying that slippery conditions must be paid strict attention to because falling off a bike at 20 miles per hour would not be pretty.  

The Silent Verse

When this reading appears it is in the form of pure energy and is not concocted by what might have come before or worse yet the projection of clear images from the smoke of our fears.  Often wearing the disguise of our imagination fear the False Evidence Appearing Real never bears the truth in which it claims to have been born nascent from.  

Now that I can tell myself what it is not how can I know the silent verse is being whispered to me and not just my ego giving me the dead air of wishful thinking? The silent verse is not written in my conscious or even my unconscious rather these revelations are naked and are not shivering from the cold of how I’d like things to be. 

Even positive thinking with no disrespect to Dr Peale cannot reveal truth when rose colored glasses we don.  The silent verse is a gift that bears no wrapping or even a gift box it just comes served unadorned in this way we can see life’s angles and can give the proper measured response. Even Mary Pickford with big eyes can’t help.  

AIDS LIFECYCLE

An extraordinary time was had by all this late Saturday afternoon at the benefit for AIDS cycle spearheaded by the twins as we so affectionately refer to them Marjorie and Rose.  These young 30 something’s are always smiling, have a good thing to say and are at the ready with a kiss on the cheek that embodies their genuine enthusiasm for life. 

This was a gathering of friends rather than acquaintances and whenever one of us needs support for a benefit or to participate in a celebration like Michael Korol’s exposition this core of beautiful people is always there without question. And so we were for a great cause dear to the Twins’ heart and by all accounts it was a successful fundraiser. We can always make it better but let us enjoy the intention and let the results take care of themselves.  

Tripp Doherty after teaching his own spin classes in Scarsdale and Manhattan gave of himself in his own indefatigable way teaching two more sessions here. His donation can never be measured in dollars and cents but can be in determination, commitment and as a devoted friend. The girl’s thank you from their beating hearts and we thank you for taking the time and helping make AIDS CYCLE a success.  

Yes & No

When I was but a wee boy yes meant yes and no meant well, no. Nowadays, I just can’t be sure. At least not all the time anyway. Take for instance the new age phrase that has me baffled: Yeah-no. What that means I am told is that its an agreement (yes) that what preceded it was a no.  I am not quite sure why we need to say yes first before we say no but maybe it just gives the negative an exclamation point.  

And then there are times when we say yes to someone but we don’t really mean it and just can’t dole out the truth, which is NO.  And the same holds true for no when we are asked: Did I wake you? Were you sleeping? Did I catch you at a bad time? All answers should be yes but we opt for No instead. I suppose its out of politeness we do these things or maybe we just don’t want anyone to know we were sleeping or the moment isn’t propitious right now. 

How about when we ask someone did you say that? And along with a look of incredulity we get fed: I never said that! So even when we are confronted with what is a yes we decline because we’re embarrassed or hit the panic button because we get caught. Most times we are telling the truth but when we get face to face with someone we or they say no as if what was said never transpired.   

Or there’s the one that I especially love when someone is crying and we ask why are you crying? And the answer gets shot back at us: I’m not crying! I suppose that’s just a rain dance your eyes are doing.  

When did the line between yes and no become so blurred? I’m not sure but maybe it was when men stopped wearing hats.   

Change

When a bend in the river arrives suddenly it takes a strong hand make the turn with swiftness and certainty. In the natural order of things change is inevitable but often its unpredictable. And change is not always greeted with applause but more often than not its just the spirit that breaks us out of the trance that we can find ourselves in when faced with life on life’s terms.  The easier softer way is to resist change and just remain implacable but that and 2.25 gets us a ride on a dark hole in the ground to nowhere.  

The Electronic Cigarette

I’ve never smoked cigarettes but the latest craze that has taken active smokers, former smokers and non-smokers like me by storm is the electronic cigarette. Various clever names have been given to these in some cases placebos for smoking and I recently tried them and although the nicotine content is probably like low alcohol beer, it took not but a few days to realize that a fool is born every minute. I suppose I should reserve my harsh statement in the case that some heavy smokers have either been helped to either quit or cut down on the real version of burning poison but I also suspect that sagging cigarette sales have companies that make these devices have them witnessing a burgeoning bottom line cashing in on America’s addictive nature. 

The packaging is astonishing. The throw away version has its own plastic triangular cylinder complete with a replaceable top which I guess is to insure its freshness and the more expensive versions that have their own battery pack for recharging and 5 pack replacement filters that screw on and off as the flavor runs out are pure Madison Avenue. But the true genius of these “cigs” is the “smoke” which is no more than a visible vapor when you breathe out and gives the impression that one is really smoking and then there’s the simulated red ember that glows when the “smoker” takes a drag.  I suppose it might also keep smokers a little warmer next winter as they can smoke these simulated versions at their desk and have no one complain of secondary smoke. I am not sure what the health hazards are and I suppose the jury is still out on that study. It was fun for me but although I toyed with the idea of getting the more expensive version I let this new habit pass me by. 

It never ceases to amaze me what technology brings us some good and some that has us scratching our collective heads. But hey pick one up it might just satisfy having something in your mouth and look fashionable with. I suggest the 7-11 version its about 7 bucks versus the 50 dollar price tag of the rechargeable version.  You just might find that the  latest version of a pet rock is no more than a drain on your pocketbook.